The White Shades

I just turned 19 four days ago. Happy birthday to me! Before my 19th birthday came, I was happy, excited, filled with joy and anticipation of my birthday this year. And what happened on the day? I wasn't really disappointed at that day, but the day after. I was happy on the first day of my 19. And the second day, I cried my first tears already. I remember very clearly that my best friend said to me, "It's been only two days on your 19. Why are you crying already?" She meant that I should not had cried because I deserve to be happy, especially after my special day. I thought my day was ruined. The November 21st. I woke up late, almost late for my morning class. I didn't get enough sleep the night before and it pretty much screwed me up. I thought it should be my day. The day should be according to my plan, didn't it? Because it was my birthday. Once a year. Couldn't I have my day, even if it's just for a day? And the sober me came up, rationalizin...

It's been a while since my last post here. Haven't been into writing anymore since I started journaling on my own, hand written. Today's topic is self-growth. I'll discover myself and write down what I've been thinking since I woke up this morning. I'm not feeling well under my own skin for the past two months. The peak is now. Last week since the day I write this is Monday. I'm not feeling like myself and I feel I'm losing myself. You might think what am I talking about, am I crazy or what, but really that's what I'm feeling. If you've ever been on my position or even have had experienced such thing, you'll understand. For you who don't understand, it feels like you're missing something inside you. It's like there's a hollow in your heart, your life, that from it, the wind keeps blowing back and forth hardly through your life until you can't feel steady even the hollow supposed to be a counter for the wind. You ...

Lately I'm not sure what I'm feeling. It feels like riding a roller-coaster everyday. I don't know what should I feel, I don't know how I should react. I just... don't know. I feel like I'm losing track of my life. I'm getting out of track. Well, let's see through my past then. I was an introverted girl and so am I now. I've never been comfortable with myself enough to depend on myself rather than depending on somebody who has a close relationship with me like my best friend. That sucks, I know, not being able to depend on yourself and to you just depend on others for your moral support. I should have been the best friend I need myself. It feels like time has passed so much since I wrote my last reflection. I had been doing great actually, but not for this past 2-3 weeks. I can't recall exactly what makes me being like this. The thoughts just coming so sudden and filling my head, even they sometimes make me grasping for air so much that ...

Halo! Hari ini, aku menemukan dua hal yang mengubah padanganku terhadap bagaimana aku 'merasa' dan bersikap karenanya. Pengalaman ini mungkin sederhana, tapi aku entah kenapa bisa juga memaknainya dengan cukup serius dan menjadi sebuah filosofi tersendiri (Hahaha!).  1. Seorang youtubers membagikan ceritanya mengenai hamil di luar nikah saat usianya 17 tahun. Aku sebenarnya iseng saja waktu menonton video ini di sela-sela mengerjakan tugas. Aku tertarik dengan judulnya: "17 and Pregnant". Aku sudah pernah menonton video-video lain tentang ini sebenarnya, tapi entah kenapa, video ini yang berhasil membuatku tersentuh. Aku terinspirasi sekali olehnya, bagaimana dia akhirnya bisa  survive  dengan hidupnya yang seperti itu. Menurutku, kisahnya ini sangat realistis dan nyata dalam kehidupan jaman sekarang ini. Banyak pelajaran yang dapat kuambil dari satu video berdurasi 15 menit 21 detik ini. Namanya Nami Cho. Cho ini hamil di usia 17 tahun. Cho ini meras...

Pernah ngerasain capek belajar sampai-sampai lihat buku aja bikin kamu muak? Semua pelajar mungkin pernah mengalaminya ya, nggak terkecuali mahasiswa tingkat pertama sepertiku ini. Sudah seminggu ini, aku tidak bisa belajar. Ini sungguhan. Aku nggak berlebihan. Kenapa aku bilang aku susah belajar? Niatku padahal selalu menggebu-gebu untuk belajar, loh. Begini ceritanya: sejak hari Senin malam yang lalu (13 Februari), aku belajar, membaca materi untuk perkuliahan besok harinya. Lalu, Selasa, aku kuliah seperti biasa, dan pulang dengan biasa-biasa saja, makan-makan dengan papa dan mamaku untuk merayakan hari Valentine. Pulangnya, aku mengeluh aku tidak bisa belajar pada orangtuaku. Rasanya sulit sekali untuk berkonsentrasi. Hari Rabu, setelah pilkada, aku dan keluargaku pergi ke Lippo Mall Puri, untuk sekedar refreshing dan mencari suasana baru. Jadilah aku belajar psikologi sosial (menghabiskan 1 bab dalam waktu 1 hari! Kira-kira ada sekitar 30+ halaman dan semua dalam bahasa Inggr...