The White Shades

I just turned 19 four days ago. Happy birthday to me! Before my 19th birthday came, I was happy, excited, filled with joy and anticipation of my birthday this year. And what happened on the day? I wasn't really disappointed at that day, but the day after. I was happy on the first day of my 19. And the second day, I cried my first tears already. I remember very clearly that my best friend said to me, "It's been only two days on your 19. Why are you crying already?" She meant that I should not had cried because I deserve to be happy, especially after my special day. I thought my day was ruined. The November 21st. I woke up late, almost late for my morning class. I didn't get enough sleep the night before and it pretty much screwed me up. I thought it should be my day. The day should be according to my plan, didn't it? Because it was my birthday. Once a year. Couldn't I have my day, even if it's just for a day? And the sober me came up, rationalizin

I actually have to do my works, doing some of my assignments, but here I am trying to write something out of my mind. I just googled so many things about people and religion nowadays and don't find any interesting answer for my questions: why are people losing their faith? Why people nowadays seems to not care or decided to abandon religions? Is it outdated now? Or are we people are the one with massive changes so that religions can no more accommodate man needs? Well I think I found the answer within myself. From my perspective, it's neither the religions nor mankind fault. I think it's because human have evolved so much thanks to science developments that are still going rapidly, we now know more about this world, even we are now dare to speculate about another life existing outside the earth. People have become awarer than ever before, but not improving their critical thinking skills (this is from my point of view, I haven't conducted any research on this, though

"I'll tell myself to be easy on myself because I'm still 19, it's okay if I haven't figured out my life fully yet." Most people, especially my age, haven't discovered their own self completely. Me neither. Including passion. People in my culture don't usually talk about passion, especially when it comes to choice of career and make a living. But for me, passion is so important to get a person going. I don't do a small research yet about passion, whether it has been popular term in the past or it's only popular for the millennials like me. Passion is somewhat happening in the world right now. People keep talking about, "What's your passion?", "My passion is on the fashion industry.", "I love youtube and game because it's my passion in life.", anything about passion. But do they really understand their passion? For me, passion is the list of things that give me the chills and excitement whenever I talk

I've come to a realization that all people is different. I finally embrace the difference between me and other people and come to a full understanding of the difference between people in this world. If we're about to talk about life, talk about people, talk about human existence, it's not going to end right away. The discussion may not come to a conclusion. The talk may consumes a lot of time. So many aspect in this life that can be discussed for everyone's self growth. What I've realize today is everybody is different. They have different stories to tell and we cannot judge them for their past. They're who they're today because of their past and of course we have no control over their past, even our very own past. We cannot change our past, so do they, why bother to judge other? Our past is what makes us today. It's a part of our growth and our way to find ourselves in this life. To find the reason of our existence. Like one of an influencer ever sa

It's been a while since my last post here. Haven't been into writing anymore since I started journaling on my own, hand written. Today's topic is self-growth. I'll discover myself and write down what I've been thinking since I woke up this morning. I'm not feeling well under my own skin for the past two months. The peak is now. Last week since the day I write this is Monday. I'm not feeling like myself and I feel I'm losing myself. You might think what am I talking about, am I crazy or what, but really that's what I'm feeling. If you've ever been on my position or even have had experienced such thing, you'll understand. For you who don't understand, it feels like you're missing something inside you. It's like there's a hollow in your heart, your life, that from it, the wind keeps blowing back and forth hardly through your life until you can't feel steady even the hollow supposed to be a counter for the wind. You

Hi! My mid-term test has finished yesterday (yaaayy!!) and yesterday, I had a time to spend with my girls and had a time to spend with myself. What I did was giving myself a good movie to learn from. I know that movie accidentally while browsing through youtube several weeks ago but had just had a time yesterday. And that movie was VERY GOOD oh my God. This post ain't gonna be a movie review. I wanna share the lessons I learned from this movie. The movie is called "Suddenly Seventeen". It is a remake from a western movie titled "17 again." 1/3: Never lose yourself for a man. Yes, yes! This is the first lesson I learned from this movie ever since the beginning. The main female character, Liang, has been in a relationship with his boyfriend, Mao, for 10 years. She's currently 28 and Mao hasn't proposed to her yet. She was desperate. Then a magic chocolate turns her mind to her 17 self. She was very different back then in her 17. She was so lively, so

Lately I'm not sure what I'm feeling. It feels like riding a roller-coaster everyday. I don't know what should I feel, I don't know how I should react. I just... don't know. I feel like I'm losing track of my life. I'm getting out of track. Well, let's see through my past then. I was an introverted girl and so am I now. I've never been comfortable with myself enough to depend on myself rather than depending on somebody who has a close relationship with me like my best friend. That sucks, I know, not being able to depend on yourself and to you just depend on others for your moral support. I should have been the best friend I need myself. It feels like time has passed so much since I wrote my last reflection. I had been doing great actually, but not for this past 2-3 weeks. I can't recall exactly what makes me being like this. The thoughts just coming so sudden and filling my head, even they sometimes make me grasping for air so much that

Love means a thousand things. Every person has a different concept about love and mine happened to be you. Sounds cheesy, huh? Well, today is some kind of a special day for me, with a roller-coaster mood, roller-coaster mind and thoughts running inside my head. I wanna write this in two language, English and Bahasa, so that I can say the cheesy part in English so it won't be any cheesier than if I write it in Bahasa. LOL. Love. 4 characters. A word, but could means a thousand things. People love talking about love. They say love is a wonderful thing, love is something you need to conquer the world, love hurts, love makes you crazy, and et cetera. Even the extreme one, love doesn't exist. Does it? For me, love exists. It comes in many form that may be hard for some people to realize that it's love. Love itself is a complicated one, and falling in love is another thing too, almost as complicated as the mother. Falling in love. Most people have fallen in lov

Sekarang udah bulan Maret. Januari dan Februari rasanya cepat sekali, ya. Enggak sih, ini bohong. Februari buatku rasanya lama banget. Sedangkan Maret ini rasanya cepat banget, sekarang udah tanggal 5, besok tanggal 6. Wow. Cukup banyak hal yang terjadi dalam waktu dua bulan ini. Aku sempat belajar untuk percaya sama orang lain sebulan belakangan ini, dan... dikecewakan. Ternyata aku memang gak boleh percaya sama orang lain.  Kepercayaan itu sebenarnya buatku adalah suatu hal yang fragile, bahkan sangat fragile. Memberikannya kepada orang yang salah, maka hancur juga lah kepercayaanmu pada orang itu, pada dirimu sendiri, bahkan pada dunia, seperti yang aku alami sekarang ini. Masalahnya adalah, aku dari awal memang susah percaya, susah membuka diri pada orang lain. Lalu saat aku sudah membuka diri, ternyata keputusanku salah besar. Aku tidak seharusnya membuka diri pada orang lain. Ini mungkin tindakan proteksi, tindakan egoisku untuk diri sendiri. Aku memilih untuk menyim

Halo! Hari ini, aku menemukan dua hal yang mengubah padanganku terhadap bagaimana aku 'merasa' dan bersikap karenanya. Pengalaman ini mungkin sederhana, tapi aku entah kenapa bisa juga memaknainya dengan cukup serius dan menjadi sebuah filosofi tersendiri (Hahaha!).  1. Seorang youtubers membagikan ceritanya mengenai hamil di luar nikah saat usianya 17 tahun. Aku sebenarnya iseng saja waktu menonton video ini di sela-sela mengerjakan tugas. Aku tertarik dengan judulnya: "17 and Pregnant". Aku sudah pernah menonton video-video lain tentang ini sebenarnya, tapi entah kenapa, video ini yang berhasil membuatku tersentuh. Aku terinspirasi sekali olehnya, bagaimana dia akhirnya bisa  survive  dengan hidupnya yang seperti itu. Menurutku, kisahnya ini sangat realistis dan nyata dalam kehidupan jaman sekarang ini. Banyak pelajaran yang dapat kuambil dari satu video berdurasi 15 menit 21 detik ini. Namanya Nami Cho. Cho ini hamil di usia 17 tahun. Cho ini meras

Pernah ngerasain capek belajar sampai-sampai lihat buku aja bikin kamu muak? Semua pelajar mungkin pernah mengalaminya ya, nggak terkecuali mahasiswa tingkat pertama sepertiku ini. Sudah seminggu ini, aku tidak bisa belajar. Ini sungguhan. Aku nggak berlebihan. Kenapa aku bilang aku susah belajar? Niatku padahal selalu menggebu-gebu untuk belajar, loh. Begini ceritanya: sejak hari Senin malam yang lalu (13 Februari), aku belajar, membaca materi untuk perkuliahan besok harinya. Lalu, Selasa, aku kuliah seperti biasa, dan pulang dengan biasa-biasa saja, makan-makan dengan papa dan mamaku untuk merayakan hari Valentine. Pulangnya, aku mengeluh aku tidak bisa belajar pada orangtuaku. Rasanya sulit sekali untuk berkonsentrasi. Hari Rabu, setelah pilkada, aku dan keluargaku pergi ke Lippo Mall Puri, untuk sekedar refreshing dan mencari suasana baru. Jadilah aku belajar psikologi sosial (menghabiskan 1 bab dalam waktu 1 hari! Kira-kira ada sekitar 30+ halaman dan semua dalam bahasa Inggr