It's been a while since my last post here. Haven't been into writing anymore since I started journaling on my own, hand written.
Today's topic is self-growth. I'll discover myself and write down what I've been thinking since I woke up this morning.
I'm not feeling well under my own skin for the past two months. The peak is now. Last week since the day I write this is Monday. I'm not feeling like myself and I feel I'm losing myself. You might think what am I talking about, am I crazy or what, but really that's what I'm feeling. If you've ever been on my position or even have had experienced such thing, you'll understand.
For you who don't understand, it feels like you're missing something inside you. It's like there's a hollow in your heart, your life, that from it, the wind keeps blowing back and forth hardly through your life until you can't feel steady even the hollow supposed to be a counter for the wind. You feel the wind is too big for you to handle so you start to stumble back, trying to cover the hole but what you've done is no use. The wind still kicking you with its power and you can't do anything but hide somewhere where the wind can't find you.
I've been feeling detached from my own self. I even forget who am I before this point of my life. I used to be kinder, softer, nicer than I am today. I even feel like my full name is not me. It's only a thing that has been conditioned on me since I was born so that I can respond to it just like Pavlov's classical conditioning theory. I can't find the me inside that name. It's only surface, legal identity, not my real one. Who am I actually and who am I referring to when I talk like this?
To make it easier, find yourself in the middle of a wild forest, a very dense one. The day is turning into night already, making the dim light your main source of lightning. You're lost. By yourself. You're surrounded by trees and other wild plants, even you don't know whether there're wild animals behind your back or hiding behind the bush around you. You're scared. You're afraid because it's getting dark and you're completely alone. You don't know where to go, you don't know your way to home.
Now let's get to the core. Seeing my background, my past, my childhood and my still-going teenage years, thankfully I have a purpose on life already. This is one thing I should be grateful for. The more I feel losing myself, the more I remember my main purpose joining the psychology major club.
I guess I have some issues in my life. Trust issue, commitment issue, daddy issue and mommy issue. Pretty much. For the last two I mentioned, it might not exactly them both but another thing I haven't discovered yet.
Commitment issue. True I have a commitment issue. I just realize this last month, when suddenly I don't feel like doing my responsibility as an official in an organization I'm in. I start to feel like the job is a burden to me, even though on the first place I've known that with greater power, comes greater responsibility. I've known that and I've understand it too. The problem is I'm much a feeling person, intuitive one also, that all my moves are mostly based on my own intuition and feeling. When I put my heart onto something, I'll do the thing with my truest and fullest heart on it that it turns out very well, like my academics. But when I no longer do, I underperform and get back to the self-destruction cycle I have.
You may say,"So just put your heart into the things you used to like, it'll solve all your problems." Well, my dear, it's not that easy to put your heart back to the things you used to like but no longer like due to some circumstances or due to an event that break your heart or maybe it's just me being an a__hole with my commitment issue. It's hard, you know. "Then reach someone to help you get back to that thing if you really think that the thing you've been neglecting is important enough." Who am I going to reach out without judging me and end up making me more and more burdened to do my responsibility?
This happened before. I was a coordinator for a division in my school's student committee. I was the social division coordinator. Before, I was excited to be a part of the committee because that's what I've been wanting since I entered high school. But then when the high official demanded me to have the title "coordinator", I suddenly felt like it's no more fun.
One thing I realize from above is maybe I shouldn't be the person who is 100% in charge when I don't have my fullest heart on that or that I don't have high motivation to do so. In academics, I have my own motivation, to study well to become a great psychologist and to earn money as much as I can but the money making plan is another thing beside being a psychologist.
But again! The commitment issue doesn't stop there. I have another thing. It's on a relationship. I think I'm not ready yet to have a commitment, like a serious one. Seeing what I've done in an organization like that pretty much say that. I can't stick to something for a long time, except I really put my heart to the fullest onto that thing. The feeling that I'm committed to something is burdening as if it takes away my freedom. It feels like I'm bound to something. I don't like being bound because I want to be free to do whatever I like and I want. I hate being restricted, I hate being bound, mostly.
Something inside me just wanna be free whenever I'm committed to something. Like I wanna let go of that thing moments after I reached it. It doesn't want to be bound, it doesn't want to be limited, to be restricted, to be tighten to.
And congratulations, you've reach the end of this post and you've known a little bit of my dark side now.
Today's topic is self-growth. I'll discover myself and write down what I've been thinking since I woke up this morning.
I'm not feeling well under my own skin for the past two months. The peak is now. Last week since the day I write this is Monday. I'm not feeling like myself and I feel I'm losing myself. You might think what am I talking about, am I crazy or what, but really that's what I'm feeling. If you've ever been on my position or even have had experienced such thing, you'll understand.
For you who don't understand, it feels like you're missing something inside you. It's like there's a hollow in your heart, your life, that from it, the wind keeps blowing back and forth hardly through your life until you can't feel steady even the hollow supposed to be a counter for the wind. You feel the wind is too big for you to handle so you start to stumble back, trying to cover the hole but what you've done is no use. The wind still kicking you with its power and you can't do anything but hide somewhere where the wind can't find you.
I've been feeling detached from my own self. I even forget who am I before this point of my life. I used to be kinder, softer, nicer than I am today. I even feel like my full name is not me. It's only a thing that has been conditioned on me since I was born so that I can respond to it just like Pavlov's classical conditioning theory. I can't find the me inside that name. It's only surface, legal identity, not my real one. Who am I actually and who am I referring to when I talk like this?
To make it easier, find yourself in the middle of a wild forest, a very dense one. The day is turning into night already, making the dim light your main source of lightning. You're lost. By yourself. You're surrounded by trees and other wild plants, even you don't know whether there're wild animals behind your back or hiding behind the bush around you. You're scared. You're afraid because it's getting dark and you're completely alone. You don't know where to go, you don't know your way to home.
Now let's get to the core. Seeing my background, my past, my childhood and my still-going teenage years, thankfully I have a purpose on life already. This is one thing I should be grateful for. The more I feel losing myself, the more I remember my main purpose joining the psychology major club.
I guess I have some issues in my life. Trust issue, commitment issue, daddy issue and mommy issue. Pretty much. For the last two I mentioned, it might not exactly them both but another thing I haven't discovered yet.
Commitment issue. True I have a commitment issue. I just realize this last month, when suddenly I don't feel like doing my responsibility as an official in an organization I'm in. I start to feel like the job is a burden to me, even though on the first place I've known that with greater power, comes greater responsibility. I've known that and I've understand it too. The problem is I'm much a feeling person, intuitive one also, that all my moves are mostly based on my own intuition and feeling. When I put my heart onto something, I'll do the thing with my truest and fullest heart on it that it turns out very well, like my academics. But when I no longer do, I underperform and get back to the self-destruction cycle I have.
You may say,"So just put your heart into the things you used to like, it'll solve all your problems." Well, my dear, it's not that easy to put your heart back to the things you used to like but no longer like due to some circumstances or due to an event that break your heart or maybe it's just me being an a__hole with my commitment issue. It's hard, you know. "Then reach someone to help you get back to that thing if you really think that the thing you've been neglecting is important enough." Who am I going to reach out without judging me and end up making me more and more burdened to do my responsibility?
This happened before. I was a coordinator for a division in my school's student committee. I was the social division coordinator. Before, I was excited to be a part of the committee because that's what I've been wanting since I entered high school. But then when the high official demanded me to have the title "coordinator", I suddenly felt like it's no more fun.
One thing I realize from above is maybe I shouldn't be the person who is 100% in charge when I don't have my fullest heart on that or that I don't have high motivation to do so. In academics, I have my own motivation, to study well to become a great psychologist and to earn money as much as I can but the money making plan is another thing beside being a psychologist.
But again! The commitment issue doesn't stop there. I have another thing. It's on a relationship. I think I'm not ready yet to have a commitment, like a serious one. Seeing what I've done in an organization like that pretty much say that. I can't stick to something for a long time, except I really put my heart to the fullest onto that thing. The feeling that I'm committed to something is burdening as if it takes away my freedom. It feels like I'm bound to something. I don't like being bound because I want to be free to do whatever I like and I want. I hate being restricted, I hate being bound, mostly.
Something inside me just wanna be free whenever I'm committed to something. Like I wanna let go of that thing moments after I reached it. It doesn't want to be bound, it doesn't want to be limited, to be restricted, to be tighten to.
And congratulations, you've reach the end of this post and you've known a little bit of my dark side now.