Lately I'm not sure what I'm feeling. It feels like riding a roller-coaster everyday. I don't know what should I feel, I don't know how I should react. I just... don't know. I feel like I'm losing track of my life. I'm getting out of track.
Well, let's see through my past then. I was an introverted girl and so am I now. I've never been comfortable with myself enough to depend on myself rather than depending on somebody who has a close relationship with me like my best friend. That sucks, I know, not being able to depend on yourself and to you just depend on others for your moral support. I should have been the best friend I need myself.
It feels like time has passed so much since I wrote my last reflection. I had been doing great actually, but not for this past 2-3 weeks. I can't recall exactly what makes me being like this. The thoughts just coming so sudden and filling my head, even they sometimes make me grasping for air so much that I realize that I can't breathe. I have to hardly tap my chest to breathe again.
The self-hate thoughts also coming again. I need someone to share this thought with and my sister is totally not a good choice right now, especially my parents. No, no boys. I need my best friends, but I think I've bothered them much with my mood swing things and I don't wanna bother them any further. Or maybe I should because I really don't feel good right now.
Losing enjoyment in everything I do. Hating myself constantly, thinking about my 'egoist' personality, thinking about my need to be heard, my need to be cared for, to be nurtured, to be hugged, to be loved.
One of my best friend said that this all a drama I made myself. Well, I think so too, Dear. But do you know how hard it is to get out from this kind of situation? If I could, I would, really. Rather than nagging at me for being a drama queen, why don't you just help me out, Darling?
My mom ever said if I ever feel this way, what I should do is not to give a damn about it and just come to your sense that it's not true. It sounds like a denial to me, but yeah she is a person who uses denial so much. Is it a good thing?
I wanna cry my heart out. I've been tired. I realize now that I'm exhausted. It has been a long time since I cry and I also know that I need to pour my heart out to feel relieved, not regarding to the research that said that crying just makes you feel even depressed than before. Crying over myself, not over my life because I consider my life a perfect one.
How I can lift this heavy burden inside my chest? What is happening? What causes this feeling to come and strikes again against me?
It's okay to be sad, Princess. People do so too and you're not any different. You just gotta get through this because your happiness depends on yourself, not on others. Let's try together to be happy for who you are, be happy with who you are, be happy with yourself, be happy and have fun with you. So, if you're done, wipe your tears away, raise your chin up and let your smile shine again, Princess.
Remember: God loves you. God loves everybody. That's why everybody deserve to be happy, so do you, sweetheart.